I’m the middle of 3 children. I was the shy, sensitive child, the caring one, the one seen as a ‘natural mother’. Never once did I question that I would get married and have children. My life had other plans.
I had a serious relationship in my early 20s, we talked about getting married and having kids. I was freaked out; I knew that the relationship wasn’t right for me. In my mid 20s I met my partner. He was older and more worldly than me, gentle, kind, easygoing, interested in arts and music, culture and travel, he really listened to me. He never spoke about having kids; when I broached the subject, he said he hadn’t thought about it until he met me. I naively thought it would all work out. After all, isn’t that what we learn as children, that people grow up, get married and live happily ever after?
He was in the military and we moved interstate, he was then deployed to Afghanistan for 9 months. I remember feeling anxious that we hadn’t spoken about having kids, he said he couldn’t think about it as he needed to focus on his work. When he returned home he was anxious, hypervigilant and unable to focus at work. He was eventually diagnosed with complex PTSD and medically discharged from the Army.
Over the past 8 years since his return from Afghanistan we have been through a lot. My partner has slowly come to terms with having PTSD along with a chronic back injury. We have gradually started speaking more openly about the PTSD and the impact it has had on him. We have also started to understand how being adopted may be the main reason that he has never truly been able to consider having his own family. Although he sees the impact of this on me, he has so many layers of healing ahead of him to truly understand his trust and attachment issues and our window of fertility is effectively closed. At times I understand that he has always tried his best, at other times I feel resentful as I’m having to put all of my needs on hold for him and I also blame myself that I didn’t see the writing on the wall earlier in the relationship. I often feel that I am living in a parallel universe to all of my friends with their ‘normal’ lives.
I have done a lot of work on myself over the years: counselling, online courses, reading books, journaling, meditation. In a way this life has forced me to grow and learn so much about myself that has made me stronger than I could ever have been had my life turned out how I expected. One of the turning points was attending a Gateway Women Reignite weekend where I met other women with different stories but similar themes to mine. It is so refreshing to now have a social network of interesting, courageous, authentic women where I don’t feel shame or a sense of ‘otherness’ like I do in most other groups. I also love the Gateway Women group on Mighty Networks as I see examples of women at all stages of healing. It gives me hope that with continued work and perseverance I will find a way to have a positive and meaningful life without children.
Anon.